St Mark's Primary School 
Bereavement
Helping Children Through Bereavement
Bereavement for any child can be an emotional, confusing time. They may hear unfamiliar language and see adults around them going through the grieving process, without understanding what has really happened. Many adults find this a difficult time too and are welcome into school for support, they may also find this page useful.
(For the purpose of providing examples in the explanations, the term ‘Nan’ has been used as the person who has died.)
Some points to consider
Never give promises you are not able to keep – for example, if you have a family member that is terminally ill, it is better to say the Doctors are doing everything possible to try and make sure Nan is not in pain, but do not give assurances that they will be fine again if this is not likely. Encourage your child to draw them some pictures, send a photo or write a poem for them if they cannot visit.
Think about how you are going to tell your child the news when a person has died and what language you will use. If you say you have ‘lost Nan’ the child may think Nan will be coming back. By using words such as dying, or death, it provides more of an opening of conversation around a definite ending.
Some families like to say their loved one is now in Heaven, in the clouds or as a star, for example. If this gives you and your child some comfort, ensure other family members, friends and school staff are aware of your choices, so their conversation can be of a similar nature.
It's important to give age-appropriate information to children. They all mature emotionally at different rates, and you are the best person to know how much details to tell them of the death. Always leave the door open for your child to come back and ask further questions, to save them from ‘wondering’ and making up their own false answers. If this is too upsetting at first for you to do, ask another trusted adult to share your child’s concerns. Some children prefer to be kept in the loop and will want to know as much as you feel they can cope with, others may just want the bare bones, but this doesn’t mean they care any less.
Some children will want to talk about the person who has died and will find this comforting. By listening to your child and acknowledging their feelings, you will be able to grieve together. If you can, share your own feelings too as a role model to your child. It is perfectly acceptable for them to see you are upset and crying as they will appreciate you are sad too. It is quite normal for children to switch between emotions fairly rapidly, so don’t be surprised if your child has an upset moment, and then goes off to run around the garden. Children still appreciate routines during an unsettled period as this gives them security and a feeling of being safe, in a world they are familiar with, this can include attending school as normal.
First anniversaries of birthdays, Christmas and special days can also bring a wave of sadness when your child realises Nan will not be present. Reassure your child that although things will be different, Nan would not want them to be sad all of the time. Use photographs to show your child some positive aspects of Nan’s life, so your child can focus on happier times and memories with Nan.
Some children worry they will forget the person, so by talking and sharing memories you will be able to help them celebrate Nan’s lives. For many younger children, it will not seem real for a long time.
Should Your Child Attend A Funeral?
This is entirely up to individual families to choose. Once arrangements have been made, if you feel your child is old enough and would benefit from saying goodbye with the rest of the family, visit the Church, Crematorium or Graveyard to help explain the process. Show them pictures of a coffin and explain how the service will run. The funeral arrangers will often help with this if you require support, as can school staff.
Some families prefer their child just to attend the Wake as they feel this is more suitable for them. It would still be beneficial to explain this event to them and that some adults may at first be upset but then may start sharing special memories.
Age Appropriate Resources:
Books
Badger’s Parting Gifts, by Susan Varley.
Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine, by Diana Crossley
I Miss You, by Pat Thomas
Water Bugs and Dragonflies, by Doris Stickney
Organisations
Winston's Wish offer support for children and parents after the death of a parent or sibling or family member. They offer a National Helpline, live chat, email and text: Contact Winston's Wish.
https://www.childbereavementuk.org/
Child Bereavement UK helps families to rebuild their lives when a child grieves or when a child dies. They support children and young people (up to the age of 25) when someone important to them has died or is not expected to live, and parents and the wider family when a baby or child of any age dies or is dying.
They offer free, confidential, digital bereavement support by telephone, video or instant messenger, to families wherever they are in the UK. they also offer face-to-face support from a number of locations across the UK.
https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/ nhs.uk/grief-bereavement-loss/